Goodbye 2015 and Hello 2016

Tomorrow is January 1, 2016. 

I love New Years Day. There is something about a brand new year, a fresh start, a clean slate and a chance to do the new year better than the last. 2015 was an intense year.....from it being our first year of marriage to being clinically depressed to having to face the reality of an unhealthy relationship with food and body image to struggling to chase after Jesus and everything else that fell in-between .

Marriage

Holy Moly.....not for the faint of heart. I have never faced so much conflict, never felt so misunderstood, never had so many communications issues and have never experienced so many insecurities in myself. I also have never put so much effort into a relationship, have never been loved so selflessly, have never been fought for with such consistency, have never enjoyed "doing nothing" with someone more and have never been more in love. 

Depression

All I have to say is PRAISE JESUS for "happy pills"......that I am still taking but it took me some time to come to the place that I admitted I needed additional help. If depression is something you struggle with PLEASE know that you are NOT ALONE even though it feels like the loneliest thing in the world. One thing that depression taught me is that I desperately need others to fight for me when I not longer have the strength and that is OKAY!

Food. Body Image. Weight. 

This has been one of the largest struggles of this year. I put on around 25 pounds since I got married and that has sent me into this nasty cycle of self loathing and comfort eating. Why is it that when I am unhappy with the way I look that I turn to food to comfort me?! This topic is also one that I struggle to share and talk about due to the overwhelming amount of shame I feel. Oh and guess what happens when I really feel shameful about it!? YUP! I EAT. It doesn't help that due to being insulin resistant I have a hard time processing carbs/sugar....which means I put on weight easily when I eat those things and it's very hard to lose it. Guess what I enjoy eating the most?! Yup....carbs and sugar. Sorry folks - I don't think I have EVER craved vegetables in a comfort eating session. I've started reading this book "Made to Crave" that has made me throw up my hands and say PRAISE JESUS SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!! As scared as I am that I will never win this race, that I will never see the progress I want to.......I'm excited and hopeful that 2016 will hold freedom for me in this area.

Jesus

 This should probably be a blog all on it's own. I've really had a hard time chasing after the Lord this year. I think it's because I've struggled to trust that God has good plans for me that will fulfill my heart. I struggle with the daily mundane and being content in that. I struggle with feeling like I haven't lived up to my potential and I no longer have a purpose. Or I struggle with the ability to dream because I'm too afraid of being disappointed again. I'm really good at avoiding the Lord instead of dealing with the matters of my heart. Some of this is cause I'm scared. I'm scared about how much it will hurt as I shift through the disappointments of life and the unmet expectations that I haven't dealt with.

The funny thing is that I KNOW, I KNOW that the only way to move forward and past all this IS to pursue Jesus. The most content I have felt in the last 10 years was the fall of 2012 where I was reeling with confusion from the door closing on becoming international staff with Young Life.It was a hard season but what made it full of contentment was that I was focused on this thought.......All I need to do is pursue Jesus and everything else will fall into place.

Which brings me to my chosen word for the year.

Pursue

You could use that word in so many different ways but I want to really focus on intentionally pursuing things. Particularly one thing and with the hope that I would learn how to have this pursuit take priority over everything else in life. 

"Life. Purpose. Dreams. Desires. Hope. We spend so much time pursing those, stressing, praying....what's my purpose? Where does God want me? And I think this season has been teaching me something. Life is not about figuring out the answer to all those questions but it's about pursuing the heart of God. My purpose in life is to know Jesus deeply and intimately." 

- stolen from a journal entry written in October 2012 -

So, say hello to 2016.......I'm anxiously and nervously awaiting to see what you have in store but am hopeful that on December 31, 2016 I will be saying that I have never pursued Jesus more than I did this past year.