The Season of Engagement




Thursday, December 31, 2015

Goodbye 2015 and Hello 2016


Tomorrow is January 1, 2016. 
I love New Years Day. There is something about a brand new year, a fresh start, a clean slate and a chance to do the new year better than the last. 2015 was an intense year.....from it being our first year of marriage to being clinically depressed to having to face the reality of an unhealthy relationship with food and body image to struggling to chase after Jesus and everything else that fell in-between .

Marriage
Holy Moly.....not for the faint of heart. I have never faced so much conflict, never felt so misunderstood, never had so many communications issues and have never experienced so many insecurities in myself. I also have never put so much effort into a relationship, have never been loved so selflessly, have never been fought for with such consistency, have never enjoyed "doing nothing" with someone more and have never been more in love. 

Depression
All I have to say is PRAISE JESUS for "happy pills"......that I am still taking but it took me some time to come to the place that I admitted I needed additional help. If depression is something you struggle with PLEASE know that you are NOT ALONE even though it feels like the loneliest thing in the world. One thing that depression taught me is that I desperately need others to fight for me when I not longer have the strength and that is OKAY!

Food. Body Image. Weight. 
This has been one of the largest struggles of this year. I put on around 25 pounds since I got married and that has sent me into this nasty cycle of self loathing and comfort eating. Why is it that when I am unhappy with the way I look that I turn to food to comfort me?! This topic is also one that I struggle to share and talk about due to the overwhelming amount of shame I feel. Oh and guess what happens when I really feel shameful about it!? YUP! I EAT. It doesn't help that due to being insulin resistant I have a hard time processing carbs/sugar....which means I put on weight easily when I eat those things and it's very hard to lose it. Guess what I enjoy eating the most?! Yup....carbs and sugar. Sorry folks - I don't think I have EVER craved vegetables in a comfort eating session. I've started reading this book "Made to Crave" that has made me throw up my hands and say PRAISE JESUS SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!! As scared as I am that I will never win this race, that I will never see the progress I want to.......I'm excited and hopeful that 2016 will hold freedom for me in this area.

Jesus
 This should probably be a blog all on it's own. I've really had a hard time chasing after the Lord this year. I think it's because I've struggled to trust that God has good plans for me that will fulfill my heart. I struggle with the daily mundane and being content in that. I struggle with feeling like I haven't lived up to my potential and I no longer have a purpose. Or I struggle with the ability to dream because I'm too afraid of being disappointed again. I'm really good at avoiding the Lord instead of dealing with the matters of my heart. Some of this is cause I'm scared. I'm scared about how much it will hurt as I shift through the disappointments of life and the unmet expectations that I haven't dealt with.

The funny thing is that I KNOW, I KNOW that the only way to move forward and past all this IS to pursue Jesus. The most content I have felt in the last 10 years was the fall of 2012 where I was reeling with confusion from the door closing on becoming international staff with Young Life.It was a hard season but what made it full of contentment was that I was focused on this thought.......All I need to do is pursue Jesus and everything else will fall into place.

Which brings me to my chosen word for the year.

Pursue

You could use that word in so many different ways but I want to really focus on intentionally pursuing things. Particularly one thing and with the hope that I would learn how to have this pursuit take priority over everything else in life. 

"Life. Purpose. Dreams. Desires. Hope. We spend so much time pursing those, stressing, praying....what's my purpose? Where does God want me? And I think this season has been teaching me something. Life is not about figuring out the answer to all those questions but it's about pursuing the heart of God. My purpose in life is to know Jesus deeply and intimately." 
- stolen from a journal entry written in October 2012 -

So, say hello to 2016.......I'm anxiously and nervously awaiting to see what you have in store but am hopeful that on December 31, 2016 I will be saying that I have never pursued Jesus more than I did this past year. 




Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Goodbye Writing Expectations and Hello to my Friend Rambling

I miss writing. I had these dreams of documenting my engagement season and writing about the my hopes, fears and expectation of marriage. Then I thought I would just pick up writing again after the wedding and share the journey of our first year of marriage. But I didn't. It's not that I never sat down to write, I did! Numerous times......but every time I was hit with the intense expectation that in this world of bloggers whatever I wrote had to be great, profound, well written and something that everyone would want to share with others.

What happened to writing in my blog just being a way for me to process life? What happened to my desire to just be real and authentic and if someone got something out of my ramblings then that was just the sugar on top? How did I let myself get caught up with the need of approval and validation from others on what I wrote?

I don't know but I'm over it. I need to write for no other reason than this is a good outlet for me to process this crazy adventure called life. And I want to share. I love sharing my life and story with others. This love probably stems from how much I gain encouragement and insight from other who are willing to be vulnerable and real and don't just portray the "instagram" photo of life.

So welcome to my blog which will contain the ramblings of me that may or may not be profound and that may or may not be well written.....continue at your own risk.





Thursday, May 1, 2014

How I Became a Future Benson

Warning... this is the detailed version! You want the short version? Matt proposed, I have pretty bling, we're getting married! Bam. Done.

Proceed at your own risk for the long version.
 
 
I should preface this story by saying I knew he was going to propose. I honestly did not try to figure it out but it just happened. While I won't go into all the details on why and how I knew I will say that I knew that he had the ring and I knew that he had spoken to my dad several weeks before. We’d already been talking about a late August wedding and about only having a four month engagement so I had a pretty good idea Matt would pop the question before May. It was just a matter of time. As the days in April went by I knew when we came to Easter weekend that it would probably be then as the next and last weekend in April was too busy for anything to happen.

 
 So I knew, BUT I didn’t know anything else besides it was going to happen.

 
 This story begins with an e-mail. Really, it begins with a chain of e-mails. Matt's recent one was a response to an e-mail I had sent him back in March regarding a work related question he had sent my department. In my very professional e-mail I stated, "Please let me know if there is anything...and I mean anything...else I can do for you." He eventually took me up on that offer.

From: Matt Benson
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2014 8:09 AM
To: Jessica Hilgenberg
Jessica,
I realize it may be unprofessional, but I have discovered a need… a rather large need, I would really appreciate it if you would help me out with this. Would you join me on Saturday for a date? I would love to pick you up at 3pm.
Sincerely,
Matt Benson
From: Jessica Hilgenberg
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2014 1:21 PM
To: Matt Benson
Matt,
This is quite unprofessional. But you are in luck as I do not abide by the professional rules. I believe my schedule is free on Saturday. I was supposed to wash my hair at 4pm but I can move that up to accommodate you.
Would you please inform me of the dress code for your need?
Sincerely,
Jessica
From: Matt Benson
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2014 4:55 PM
To: Jessica Hilgenberg

Jessica,
I appreciate your accommodation, and thank you for bending the “rules” slightly about professionalism at work.
Dress code will be dressy casual, shoes that are comfortable for some walking, but looking super fly. Basically I will be so distracted that I will stop in mid … sentence.
Do you have any further inquiries?
Professionally,
Matt Benson

From: Jessica Hilgenberg
Sent: Thursday, April 17, 2014 9:00 AM
To: Matt Benson
Matthew,
Thank you for your quick response and for your appreciation of how much I am being inconvenienced to accommodate you.
Your comments about being distracted by my looking “super fly” (interesting choice of words) is VERY inappropriate and I’d prefer you to use a little more discretion. (At least when it comes to what you say in work e-mails. These are traceable. Though what you say in person is fair game.)
My inquiries seem to be endless in this situation but I believe it is for the best if I keep those to myself for the time being. I believe they will answer themselves with time.
Sincerely,
Jessica


+++++++++++++

On Saturday, April 19th at 3ish Matt picked me up from my house and the adventure began.



First, he decided to drive around and throw me off. I gave the appropriate “where are we going?” and “what are we doing?” questions knowing full well that I would receive no information. We continued flirting as we basically drove in a big circle and ended up in Old Colorado City (literally blocks from my house) at Jives Coffee shop.





Jives is a favorite of ours and holds special memories. This was where it all started for us, where interest was finally vocalized, where we had our initial DTR and the phrase “...and then there is you and I don’t know what to do with you” was coined. We grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down in the EXACT seats where we had that first conversation about us. Matt handed me a card. In this card he took me back to a “time where there seemed to be more time.”

He reminisced about some of his favorite moments in the early days of our dating season which he referred to as the “I like you” times or the “I’m a fan of you times.”

 After coffee we started driving around and I was given another card to read as we did. In this card he reminisced about the next season of our dating relationship, which he called the “you are my favorite” times. He highlighted some of the most memorable moments and a few of them involved Garden of the Gods. And that was our next destination to the Garden of the Gods where we hung out and talked and walked around for a while.
 
After we walked around for a while and got caught in a little rain, we headed toward downtown for dinner at the Rabbit Hole which is one of our favorite places. I also received another card at this point. This time Matt took me on a journey through some of his favorite moments in the “I love you” times. I love that he wrote all this down in cards that I have to keep! He knows me well knowing that it would be special for me to be able to go back and reread them (over... and over... and over... haha).

After dinner we went to go find some FroYo, a favorite of ours, but the one downtown wasn't opened! So, we settled for ice cream instead.This is when I was supposed to get another card... but Matt forgot and I didn't get it till later that evening. This card started out with Matt pointing out that I always ask "why" to everything which has become a bit of an inside joke. (For example, Matt will tell me I'm his favorite and I'll say “why?” Basically, it's when I want him to expand on what he says about me or us.) The rest of the card held the answer to the "why do you love me" question. It was a super sweet card that I enjoyed reading at the end of the night just as much as if he had remembered to give it to me now. Haha.
 Back to the ice cream... When we were close to being done Matt’s phone rang and it was his coworker, Chad.  
I’ll stop for a minute and explain to those of you who don’t know, Matt works for the building services department at Young Life. This means he takes turns being “on call” if something happens to the buildings or if the alarms go off or anything like that. Anyway… he wasn’t on call this day but he is the one who lives closest to work so it’s not uncommon for him to get asked to check something out.

Matt didn’t answer Chad’s call and my first though was, "Uh oh something is going on and he’s going to have to go check on it." I told Matt don’t worry about it, if it’s important Chad will leave a message. Well, he didn't leave a message and when we started walking to the car Chad called again. I, at this point, think there really must be something going on so tell Matt to pick up the phone. He does and what I understood from the one side of the conversation I could hear was that Chad couldn't get ahold of anyone else and there was a “water alarm” going off in the building and Chad can’t get there. Thus, asking if Matt could stop by and check it out. And of course since Matt is such a dedicated and hard worker he tells Chad that he will.
 
Now, I was slightly annoyed because Matt didn't even tell Chad that he was on a date or anything. I mean we were going to get engaged that night! I thought Matt would make a little more effort to not have to go to work. But I quickly changed my attitude telling myself that nothing was going to ruin this night! I also could tell Matt was really annoyed so I wanted to help pull him out of that mood. Who cares if the night we are getting engaged Matt gets called into work to check out an alarm?! It'll put a funny twist to the story!  
We drove the couple of blocks to the Young Life Service Center and I was planning on just waiting in the car. But Matt asked if I wanted to go in with him. I, of course, was thinking, “uhh not really” but instead asked him if he wanted me to, and he did so I went! 

As we were walking to the front door I was joking around and trying to get Matt out of his horrible mood. I mentioned how this will be a funny part of the story and actually how fitting it is that we are end up stopping here because this is the PLACE it all started for us. I was being super dramatic and flirty and Matt just continued to be a grumpy butt. I was starting to get a little frustrated with him about it. But, within seconds of walking into the Young Life Service Center, all thoughts of frustration vanished. As soon as we walked into the lobby I saw white balloons lining the front desk and leading around the corner to the stairs. 

OH! I have been SET UP! And they got me good! I look at Matt and he’s smiling… He was acting so grumpy the whole time because he was terrified he was going to crack up laughing!
 
Matt sweetly takes my hand and starts leading me up the stairs. We followed the floating white balloons past the second floor, past the third floor, onto the roof and then to the VERY top of the roof where the view that greets us is a BEAUTIFUL cloudy view of Pikes Peak at sunset.

It was this roof of the building where it all started between us, that Matthew Benson got down on one knee, and while holding the most perfect and beautiful ring, he asked me to marry him!





I SAID YES!!!





After we hung out on the roof some and took pictures with our photographers (aka, some of my very good friends from college) for the event, we headed back to Matt’s house where we were greeted with a large group of our friends for a surprise engagement party. We spent the rest of the evening telling the story and celebrating with friends.


 
THE RING! I love it. It's perfect. We never went actual ring shopping just looked online at ones. The ring is extra special because it's a one of kind as Matt customized a lot of it. It's also special because the main diamond was his grandmas and the two smaller diamonds on the side were his mom's. I adore the braided band and love how only one braid is bling!




And that is my story on how I became a "future Benson."

But "Future Benson" will expire Aug 23, 2014, when I become 
Mrs. Matthew Benson.